Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Driving Lessons

As the Watson family has had multiple crashes lately, I thought it a good idea to post a reminder of basic driving skills. You two good children who are eagerly anticipating driver's licenses in the very near future - this is for you! Ahem.

1. When pulling out of the garage, please make doubly sure that you look behind you to see if there is a car parked in the driveway. Sometimes mirrors help - but not always. You may actually have to twist your body to get a full view of what is behind you. I know this is inconvenient, but it will save you plentiful lectures from your father and torturous silent spells from your mother in the event that you forget.

2. Avoid at all costs the following scenario: "I was following behind a friend that was 'driving crazy', and even though it was cold and dark (perfect conditions for black ice) I didn't expect him to stop so suddenly and I swerved to miss him, hit ice, and ran into a tree." Please, good younger children - don't let me ever hear those words again.

3. When realizing that you missed your turn, and making a strange U-turn from the middle of the road - please notice if you are coming upon a guardrail. Avoid the guardrail at all costs. Use your brakes if you have to.

4. Finally, if you happen to be driving closely behind other vehicles and you just happen to realize that you need gas and want to see the gas price on the billboard of the gas station that you are passing - quickly dart your eyes away from the road, look at the sign, and then hurry and put your eyes to the road again. If your eyes linger from the road for a long period of time while driving and you forget to hurry and look at the road again - sometimes there can be disastrous consequences. So, in short - quickly look at the gas sign, then really really quickly - look back at the road again. It almost feels like a simultaneous reflex.

Glad we had this chat.


My husband's morbid sense of humor

Todd is paranoid and brutish.

He thinks that the emails that people make up that ask personal questions about you are just a ploy to find out where you live and what your habits are so they can take the time to fly across country to your house and then commence raping, plundering, stealing, and all other manner of unspeakable evils.

I tried to explain that I get these fun emails from friends that I know and I only send them to friends that I know. Alas - he is still paranoid. But, he did fill one out just to humor me.

Read on. This is the man I live with.

1. Do you like blue cheese?
The Marine Corp taught me to eat anything.
2. Have you ever been to Yellowstone Park?
Yes, That’s where I killed the fugitive
3. Do you own a gun?
4. What are Your ALL TIME favorite songs?
Live and Let Die. The Marine Corp Hell Night Chant
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
No, but the doctors do.
6. What do you think about hot dogs?
They don’t have enough crap in them.
7. Favorite Christmas song?
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Anything that doesn’t knock me down.
9. Can you do push ups?
Drop and give me 50 four counts
11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
That’s private
12. Favorite hobby?
Shooting, cleaning guns, concealing weapons, what else is there?
13. Secret weapon to get the opposite sex?
Any weapon can get the opposite sex.
14. Do you have ADD?
No, that’s the mild one. I suffer with the really bad one.
15. What one trait do you hate about yourself?
I sometimes have to smile
16. What's your middle name?
17. Name 3 thoughts you are thinking at this exact moment...
Kill Pillage Burn
18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday!
I used cash so you can’t trace my card by my purchases
19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?
Water, Gasoline, Rocket Fuel
20. Current worry right now?
How fast I can cock my gun and take aim
21. Current hate right now?
Filling this out for some ID Thief to read
22. Favorite place to be?
In Jail
23. How did you bring in the New Year?
That’s personal
24. Where would you like to go?
25. Name three people who will complete this?
My other personalities
26. Do you own slippers?
I sleep with my boots on
27. What shirt are you wearing?
My “Kill them all and let God sort them out” shirt
28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
Sure, whatever.
29. Can you whistle?
Very well
30. Favorite color?
Black and the color of blood
31. Would you be a pirate?
I am what I am
32. What songs do you sing in the shower?
Live and Let Die and the Marine Corp Midnight Chant
33. Favorite girl's name?
Corella DeVille It’s evil
34. Favorite boy's name?
35. What's in your pocket right now?
Besides the weapons and ammo…… Nothing
36. What made you laugh last?
Nothing… I don’t laugh
38. Worst injury you've ever had?
Knife fight…. I Won
39. Do you like it where you live?
No. Not enough crime
40. How many t.v.'s in your house?
Several, come steal one.
41. Who is your loudest friend?
My Drill Instructor
42. How many dogs do you have?
Besides the guard dog
43. Does someone have a crush on you?
I hope not
44. What would you do if you hit a deer while driving?
Get out, cut his head off and then eat him.
45. What is your favorite book?
How to kill without feeling
46. What is your favorite candy?
My sweet candy A_ _
47. Favorite sports team?
None. They never kill anyone
48. What songs do you want played at your funeral?
Live and Let Die and the Marine Corp Midnight Chant
49. What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Killing something
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
I wondered if it survived…. It didn’t